What I Remember

Where do I begin!?? My life changed the day you were born, and again forever, the day you died. Delaney was born on December 7, 2007. She was an easy, fast delivery, never really cried from what I remember, an all around beautiful little soul. I don’t remember things 100%, it’s all a little foggy. I was in the midst of my alcoholism when I was blessed with those few months with her.

I was addicted to pain pills when I found out that I was pregnant with her and went to my first rehab so I could assure she was healthy and safe. I slowly started back to my old ways the minute she was born and I can say I am forever grateful I was semi-conscious those few months with her. I know that probably sounds horrible to some of you but anyone who has dealt with addiction knows the drill. Nothing else matters. I regret a lot from those few months, all the woulda, shoulda, coulda’s. I have learned in my sobriety though not to beat my self up over that stuff and I am grateful today for those few months with her.

April 3, 2008 is the day my life changed forever. It started out like any other day, not that I actually remember, but nothing out of the ordinary happened. I went to dinner and had a few drinks (that means a lot probably) and came home around midnight. Delaney’s crib was in my room, she woke up, I put her in bed with me, we went back to sleep, and when I woke up, she was a horrible grayish-blue color. My mom called 911 (of course I lived with my parents) and the ambulance came and off the ER we went. I don’t even remember if I rode in the ambulance it’s all such a blur. I do remember at the hospital the cops telling me I smelled like alcohol and them taking my blood, and questioning me.

They life flighted her to another hospital and I do remember I couldn’t go in the helicopter because I smelled like alcohol. When I got to the hospital we waited a few hours and finally the doctors told us they had a heart beat but she would be brain dead, and on machines her whole life, her body was failing. I made a decision that day to end my daughters life. I was able to hold her and bathe her one last time while she died in my arms. I held her and sang to her for hours. I remember her getting heavy and my dad taking her from me telling me it was time to say goodbye. I Remember I lost it that day, in every sense of the word, I lost it. I left that hospital with out my daughter and gained an excuse.

The next few weeks were a blur, I was so high at her funeral, it was absolutely disgusting and disrespectful. I think God kept a lot of that pain from me, as fucked up as it is, I was high, I didn’t have to deal with the pain like everyone else in my family did. It was 4 years before I’d deal with the loss of her. I bottled it up, and drank and used anything and everything I could to not feel. I was numb 100% of the time.

Those are my memories of my daughter, not the smiles and giggles and little firsts, her death is what I think of mostly. Delaney died from SIDS on April 3, 2008 and I will never be the same because of it.

Now is any of this the reason I’m an alcoholic or wound up in a few rehabs or jails?? Absolutely not!!! Is it a contributing factor? Possibly!? I don’t know, nor do I care, it’s just part of my story. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and everything I’ve ever gone through is what’s made me who I am today. I really have no Idea why I’m sharing all this. I do know though, now at 6 years sober, I’ve come to terms with her death. Of course I miss her and some days are harder than others. I have since made amends at her grave for being a bag of shit while she was alive. I also get to make living amends daily by being the best sober mom I can to her three brothers. I know my lil girl is proud of her mom and is always watching over me!

6 thoughts on “What I Remember

  1. Getting sober and clean was the greatest gift I could give to my children.
    I prayed my daughter would join me and she didn’t and then she died.as you and I know it takes great strength on some of those days when the pain comes back and we have to deal with it individually always knowing that if we deal with it sober …God works through it with us. I admire your sharing ….your courage you have been blessed dona

    Liked by 1 person

  2. If you would have asked me then if this would be your outcome I would have said you were a hopeless case. You are a success story! There’s definitely a reason for everything that certainly isn’t clear to us but in time somehow makes sence. You’ve turned it around and without a doubt she is PROUD! Delaney’s death took you down AND brought you back! In the end you did right by her.

    Liked by 1 person

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