Sounds of Silence

Lemme give you a quick insight inside this head of mine. I was diagnosed a few months ago with Depression, Anxiety and ADHD. I’m also 6 years sober so I’m not big on taking medication, I know, I know, sometimes ya need it. I was just afraid to jump on the pill train again. I tried to tame my crazy thoughts by chugging coffee all day, while it helped the ADHD it obviously pushed the Anxiety into overdrive! I couldn’t even sit or focus on my kids at night. It’s a horrible feeling not being able to hear or understand someone when they’re talking directly to you. I’d shake my head and be thinking how much laundry is in the basement, or what are we even talking about right now. I couldn’t shut off the surround sound going on in my head.

I started seeing a therapist weekly and within a few weeks she suggested medication. I made an appointment with the Doctor who specializes in addiction, in their office and waited a month to see him. By this time I’m self diagnosing myself and I just want an answer to what’s going on in my head! Finally the day arrives and I go to meet my savior. What a fucking joke! I was in his office for maybe 6-7 minutes and all he said to me was what do you want me to do?? I say I just want to know what’s wrong with me? He says I see you’ve been in jail and your an alcoholic, of course I reply yes and I’ve been sober for 6 years, his response was the first time in my sobriety that someone made me feel ashamed of my sobriety. He replied well you’re an addict there’s nothing I can do for you, here’s some Prozac to hold you over til you find someone else. What the actual fuck just happened I thought!!? I left upset and pissed, with no answers, ashamed of my past and embarrassed of my sobriety! I didn’t understand I thought this therapist supposedly dealt with addiction.

I cried and called my sponsor and my husband and vented and was quickly reminded that one persons view of me isn’t who I am! I’m not ashamed of my past or of being an alcoholic, that’s my greatest asset today, I help people on a daily basis by sharing my experiences. The whole experience made me think though if this is how other people in recovery are treated while trying to get mental help, no fucking wonder people relapse! I had no problem while in active addiction getting all kinds of medication from all kinds of doctors, now that I’m being honest and reaching out for help and getting shit on is a little disheartening. I want the noise to stop, I want to hear the silence!

Anyway I continued to see my therapist and called a few more numbers and explained my situation, no one could help! Finally I lost it to my therapist, I just want the noise to stop, I want to be a good mom and be able to be a present mom and I can’t!!! She gave me a number to another guy, and I made an appointment and waited another month to see him. I went with no expectations and no hopes of help at all. I was brutally honest and it was like night and day between the two doctors I saw. This guy spent 1.5 hours talking and asking me questions and diagnosing me, not making me feel like a bag of shit for my past. Trying to help and including me in the process. He’s given me my head back! There’s still a little tweaking to do because of course I don’t follow directions well and decided not to take the anxiety meds, now understanding why I should be taking them. But it’s in the works! The past two months have been like night and day with my home, I can play with my kids and leave the dishes for later, I can read books to them and just sit and be present! I never needed the outside help before but now I understand that it’s ok to get help! I’m a better mother and wife because of it.

I’m hoping by sharing my struggle with finding an appropriate doctor can help someone. It’s scary that there’s people out there that just push us aside because of our past, I get it, but it’s still scares the shit outta me. How many people have gone for help and been turned away and resorted to alcohol to shut the sound off?? How many!?!? Just hang on, there are some good guys out there on our side and willing to help!!

2 thoughts on “Sounds of Silence

  1. That’s so awful that doctor treated you that way!! It makes me so sad… How many others didn’t bother seeking other help after him and continue to suffer? 😦 I’m glad you found someone good to help you! I’ve been putting off seeing a therapist for my anxiety but I work really like to. I hope your new treatment helps!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I love you. I am proud of you. You are a great mom! And from what I can tell by the smiles on your husband a pretty wonderful wife. Stay strong. Head high, back straight, deep breath and remember. You are awesome!

    Liked by 1 person

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