I don’t know shit

I remember when I first got sober my sponsor used to tell me that I didn’t know shit! Man was she ever right. Everything she’d say to me I’d say I know, and she’d quickly respond, no you don’t!! I didn’t know what I didn’t know. Now I sit here 6 years later and I still don’t know shit. I’m happy that I’ll be forever learning and forever have people to ask and guide me. I used to be embarrassed to be an alcoholic, I never brought it up unless I knew you were one too. I’ve become grateful over the years to be an alcoholic, I’m grateful to have a program of recovery and a guide to life. A guide to not be an asshole all the time, a guide on how to be a better person. I pray every day to help me be a better person than I was yesterday.

I’ve learned so much over the years about myself, but it was rough in the beginning. I was one of those people who had no idea who I was. I was whoever you needed or wanted me to be. I was someone different to everyone. I was ok, letting other people define me and tell me who I was. I never stood up for myself or even knew what I wanted, I didn’t even have my own hopes and dreams. I remember sitting in a group at the sober house and the question was asked what did you wanna be when you were little? I had to call my mom and ask cuz I had no idea! Apparently I wanted to be a police officer, man did I go the opposite way with that one! And I also wanted to be a mom!

Now that I get to be a mom to these crazy, amazing boys I can see why. Being a mom in sobriety has given me my life back. My boys are my life. They are my hopes and dreams. At the end of the day I just want to be the best possible mom, wife, sister, daughter, friend I can be. I have my days when I don’t wanna do shit but be selfish and not talk to people or make my kids lunches or cook dinner, but I do it any way. For the most part! It may be cereal for dinner but it’s something. I refuse to take this life for granted, I’ve lost years to my alcoholism and I wouldn’t do anything to risk losing what I have.

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